So, was I ready for another night of obnoxious vibratos, not-quite-naked catalogue models and the sea of glittered attire? You bet I was. After last night I was hoping for something more along the lines of my taste, whatever that may be. Were any of these songs worthy of my Ipod? Last year was a dud in that respect, but 2005 and 2006 managed to somehow attach one each onto me.
Iceland - started off the evening with classic Eurodance/trash. Not a terrible song, the kind you could dance too after you've had a few too many jelly shots and will dance to almost anything with a pulse. Didn't like those slight twinges of pink on an otherwise perfectly ok black outfit. Quite meh-ish.
Sweden - was she all black and white at the start? Cos that really screwed with my eyes; not a good start. The microphone looked a lot like a diamond-crusted dildo, so I dont know whether it's even worth considering whether that was supposed to be innocent or not. I'm pretty much sick of power disco ballads by now, no matter how much longer those stalks of legs could possibly get.
Turkey - looked a lot like Kings of Leon, minus the identical haircuts. Loved the silvery guitar, so there's a plus. Good enough song, probably better than most band acts so far, can't find anything particularly interesting to say about them though.
Ukraine - another scantiliy clad chick in sliver? Very much like a 90s dance pop song. Like a Bond-girl with all her skinny goons following her around like flexible robot slaves.
Lithuainia - long dark hair, tight leather pants, puffy half-opened shirt, two of the greenest eyes you'll ever see.... nope. Unfortunately this guys failed miserably at the sexy medieval type, he looked more like a former wrestler trying to turn goth. Anyway, he tried waaaaaaaay too hard at singing powerfully that it backfired right from the start.
Albania - pretty girl, better voice than most other girls, but yet another boring ballad. Enough with the "emotion". By the way, was that a cape she was wearing? Oh, so when SHE does it, it's stylish and supposedly sexy, but when I do it, I resemble a mental patient?
Switzerland - finally a singer with substance. And piano. *sigh*, the simplicity. Well, minus the pyrotechnics and out-of-place dancers. The guy's voice wasn't anything too special, but I dont care cos my goodness what a hottie! He had that smile that said "I'm a good boy, but still oh-so-shaggable". And the fact that the song was in Italian didn't calm down my repeated sighs. *sigh*!
Czech Republic - female skimpiness and slight silver cover-up seemed to be the theme for tonight. The "Dj" had the kind of moves that make you want to bash his face in. And whoever told this girl she could sing was either tone deaf or was trying to play a rather mean prank.
Belarus - enough with the greasy hair and tight, half-open shirts already! Well, at least it's not that frequent this year, but this is probably the second, if not third one. We GET it, you're trying to make up for what you lack by sloshing your hair with reeking after-shave and showing everything else to make us guess the proportion, but mate, unless you've got a Lambo and a well backed-up cheque book, I aint falling for it. Leggy dancing girls don't make it any less gayer, Asta la vista, indeed, listen to your voice on a recorder, please!
Lativa - good lord, pirates? Do I look 5 years old to you? I bet they stole it from Hi-5's repetoire. You could try to tempt me with hidden treasure and say "hi hi ho ho hey" all you bloody want, but this level of daggy aint cute.
Croatia - very Gotan Project-ish, so therefore not too bad. Actually quite catchy. If only the frontman were younger and hotter. But someone should have given that poor old man his pills, he looked just plain confused and intimidated by all the lights.
Bulgaria - numerous epileptic seizures were probably caused by all those blue flashing lights and breakdancers. The only thing that broke it was yet another blonde girl in a dress tailored for a drag queen.
Denmark - cute, catchy, The Basics meet The Cat Empire, therefore sweet. Nice simple tune, the lyrics coulda been better in some respect, but that's me being really nitpicky. Therefore a pretty good song, keeping in mind that i'm speaking relatively here.
Georgia - Boooooooooooring. The glasses made her look like a fly. Not as dark as it was probably trying to be. And the swtich from black to white? Peace will come? Puh-lease, if I wanted to watch the questions section of Miss Teen America I would.
Hungary - good if Bette Midler or Barbara Streisand is your kinda thing, so the kinda ballad my mum would like. Good back up singers. Not deep enough for me, but then again what in this contest is?
Malta - intense dancing, sounded almost like that electronic murder of Zorba the Greek from a few years back. Didn't really like the singer, probably because she wasn't very tuneful. Hope they were able to treat their leg cramps after that speed-fuelled performance.
Cyprus - femme fatale with their traditional flavour, so something slightly original for one. I could be asking for too much here, but the energy with which the girl dances reminds me of a certain fateful awards performance, don't need to name names here.
F.Y.R. Macedonia - white rappers. Thank you. Just when I thought we'd go and entire contest without seeing any. I thought we left them back with Eminem in the early noughties. The singer seemed too heavy for the dancers to give her a decent lift. Not a particularly sexy for a song that's asking us to let them love us.
Portugal - the singer's lipliner is so intense that it made her look like her wax-job came back with a Magnum P.I. style vengeance. Looked like something out of a musical, something an evil witch may sing, but not good enough for something like Wicked. Boring overall, but at least the vocals were decent.
Quite tame compared to last night. Nothing desparately woeful, so kudos to the Europeans on that. The hot Swiss guy got my vote, so obviously I was yelling at the telly like a mad-woman when they didn't get through and the stupid pirates did. Who gave the kindergarten kids a phone? At least Denmark got through, so all is not lost, but if I want to see my new sweetie again I have to bloody youtube him.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
Eurovision Rant - Part I: Semi-final I
What should I have been doing this freezing Friday night with nowhere to go?
A) Study for an upcoming test on Australian national identity in films
B) Knit yet another garment with that mass of turquoise wool left over from my karaoke scarf
C) Watch the Eurovision semi-finals
D) Do nothing on facebook but poke
If you picked C), you were horribly wrong. The answer is all of them, due to my insane ability to multi-task.
Why Eurovision, you ask? It's something I look forward to all year. It's the one thing that allows me to feel just that little bit saner, when compared to all those high-pitched, oddly-attired, epileptically dancing individuals. So here's what was going through my mind throughout.
Israel - Some guy called Boaz singing a song for his brother. To be honest I wasn't looking at the screen at the beginning and thought it was a woman's voice. Weeeellll, not too far off.
Azerbaijan - Didn't know angels were supposed to be scary. Too funny to be dark angels either. Now there's a falsetto at a new freaky level, could it be his pants are too fitting? I didn't get the dark throne bit, is it supposed to be hell vs. heaven? Anywhooz, I kinda tuned out after the drums came in
Belgium - Kinda... odd. Trying to be cute with that ditzy soft polka act, doesn't work for me this time. (the last time that worked was when Austria did it in 2005, too bad Europeans dont know how to vote cos it didn't get past the damn semi-final)
Andorra - OMG, it's Nikki Webster grown a few inches taller in a steel corset! Seriously, she should give it a try at EuroDance stuff like this, she's failed everything else, so nothing to lose, really.
Armenia - more obnoxious percussion, gyrating male dancers and a model-turned-singer in a Tina Turner costume. She has pretty hair though, too bad it was sprawled across her face with her glittery sweat by the end of it.
Finland - You'd think these Scandinavian countries have had enough of the death/goth metal genre, but nooooo, they have to take it further to an unreasonable level. These guys aren't even in costumes that distract us away from their poor attempt to be like Nightwish. The frontman has nice hair though. For a BIKINI MODEL.
Poland - What is it with women and power ballads? You can tell people in the audience are switching off, I know I did. Cos I cant remember enough of it to make any judgement at all, let alone a valid one.
Boznia & Herzegovina - four brides, a mental laundry woman dancing with no obvious choreography, and a guy who looked like he had stepped off that episode of That 70s Show where Bob and Midge have a Packer-themed 2nd wedding. The song was catchy enough. At least their eccentricity maintained my attention for the entire song, so kudos to them on that.
Ireland - Who knew the once hailed champions could stoop so low? It looked like Priscilla from planet Zutron. And what the hell was that "creature" supposedly turntabling? Maybe it's just my vision but I made it out to be an irregular eel with a beak, wearing a feather boa. This was supposed to be funny. 'Nuff said.
San Marino - Like John Foreman gone emo. Song wasn't too bad, probably one of the more saner acts. The dancer was odd though, didn't fit in with anything.
Estonia - It's the Wiggles, overweight and out of the retirement home in Vegas, missing Jeff who at that age couldn't damn well be bothered to wake up. Was that a picture of a cake and parsnip? I'd love to know what the song was actually about cos even trying to imagine it in English wont make any sense of it.
Norway - Blonde x 4 = visual pleasure for any guy I know. At least they could get something out of it. Not at all bad singers to tell the truth, but this contest is showing more and more proof of countries picking "singers" from a modelling agency catalogue. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Now we know that it's not about the music anymore.
Greece - Barbie, the Medeterrainian edition. Looks sweet enough, nice dress and all, but if Eurovision had a dollar for every act that tried to be like Shakira, then they could extend their set by another 500m. And what a surprise, in the green room, she spoke with an American accent.
Slovenia - former Miss World contestant? Yes, you could see the beauty queenness in her. At the beginning it looked as if there was going to be some sort of S&M kinda thing going on but that thought went out the window when everything turned green, and she looked as if she had formed from a bunch of lightsabers.
Russia - this one made me crack up the most. First that guy with the one-buttoned shirt, crawling all over the floor in... (ahem) emotion, with all the classic tea-towel hand movements, accompanied by those various expressions of constipation. Mate, give prune juice a go. The violinist was normal enough, but the blonde-bobbed, overly limber skater on the mini-ice-rink, please someone explain the point of that! What's more the first guy HAD to rip his shirt open, puh-lease, just add artificial rain and you got Bollywood.
Romania - quite Il Divo-ish at the start, minus the obnoxious vibrato, the guy was better than most so far. Though the woman ruined it for me. Then it just became funny; when she started stroking his head and him looking away, making up my own twisted story to it was too hard to resist. Like him leaving her for her brother. Or something like what you'd get on a typical day with Jerry Springer. Or Days of Our Lives for that matter
Montenegro - Initially i thought this guy had a monobrow, unfortunately it turned out to be only his fringe, so there's one less thing to make fun of. Here's another one I switched off during, I was getting lost into the greasiness of my meal-substitute.
Not surprised with the top 10. Though I thought the comperes were hil-a-ri-us. Quite so. Especially the dimwits in the green room (not the "groom" room, as quoted by the hostess) with their "ticking heartbeats" of anticipation. Adorable accents ontop of everything else.
Hotties and notties? Romania and Norway weren't too bad, but I'd choose Young Einstein's sister and her giant leprechaun dancing around the washing from Bosnia & Herzegovina. The worst without doubt would be Ireland, considering their standard about a decade ago, and the fact that I didn't understand ANY of it eventhough it was in English. If I could vote, I'd choose the Serbian performance while tallying the votes, it was the only thing with substance and weird pig-looking instruments that nevertheless sounded amazing.
A) Study for an upcoming test on Australian national identity in films
B) Knit yet another garment with that mass of turquoise wool left over from my karaoke scarf
C) Watch the Eurovision semi-finals
D) Do nothing on facebook but poke
If you picked C), you were horribly wrong. The answer is all of them, due to my insane ability to multi-task.
Why Eurovision, you ask? It's something I look forward to all year. It's the one thing that allows me to feel just that little bit saner, when compared to all those high-pitched, oddly-attired, epileptically dancing individuals. So here's what was going through my mind throughout.
Israel - Some guy called Boaz singing a song for his brother. To be honest I wasn't looking at the screen at the beginning and thought it was a woman's voice. Weeeellll, not too far off.
Azerbaijan - Didn't know angels were supposed to be scary. Too funny to be dark angels either. Now there's a falsetto at a new freaky level, could it be his pants are too fitting? I didn't get the dark throne bit, is it supposed to be hell vs. heaven? Anywhooz, I kinda tuned out after the drums came in
Belgium - Kinda... odd. Trying to be cute with that ditzy soft polka act, doesn't work for me this time. (the last time that worked was when Austria did it in 2005, too bad Europeans dont know how to vote cos it didn't get past the damn semi-final)
Andorra - OMG, it's Nikki Webster grown a few inches taller in a steel corset! Seriously, she should give it a try at EuroDance stuff like this, she's failed everything else, so nothing to lose, really.
Armenia - more obnoxious percussion, gyrating male dancers and a model-turned-singer in a Tina Turner costume. She has pretty hair though, too bad it was sprawled across her face with her glittery sweat by the end of it.
Finland - You'd think these Scandinavian countries have had enough of the death/goth metal genre, but nooooo, they have to take it further to an unreasonable level. These guys aren't even in costumes that distract us away from their poor attempt to be like Nightwish. The frontman has nice hair though. For a BIKINI MODEL.
Poland - What is it with women and power ballads? You can tell people in the audience are switching off, I know I did. Cos I cant remember enough of it to make any judgement at all, let alone a valid one.
Boznia & Herzegovina - four brides, a mental laundry woman dancing with no obvious choreography, and a guy who looked like he had stepped off that episode of That 70s Show where Bob and Midge have a Packer-themed 2nd wedding. The song was catchy enough. At least their eccentricity maintained my attention for the entire song, so kudos to them on that.
Ireland - Who knew the once hailed champions could stoop so low? It looked like Priscilla from planet Zutron. And what the hell was that "creature" supposedly turntabling? Maybe it's just my vision but I made it out to be an irregular eel with a beak, wearing a feather boa. This was supposed to be funny. 'Nuff said.
San Marino - Like John Foreman gone emo. Song wasn't too bad, probably one of the more saner acts. The dancer was odd though, didn't fit in with anything.
Estonia - It's the Wiggles, overweight and out of the retirement home in Vegas, missing Jeff who at that age couldn't damn well be bothered to wake up. Was that a picture of a cake and parsnip? I'd love to know what the song was actually about cos even trying to imagine it in English wont make any sense of it.
Norway - Blonde x 4 = visual pleasure for any guy I know. At least they could get something out of it. Not at all bad singers to tell the truth, but this contest is showing more and more proof of countries picking "singers" from a modelling agency catalogue. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Now we know that it's not about the music anymore.
Greece - Barbie, the Medeterrainian edition. Looks sweet enough, nice dress and all, but if Eurovision had a dollar for every act that tried to be like Shakira, then they could extend their set by another 500m. And what a surprise, in the green room, she spoke with an American accent.
Slovenia - former Miss World contestant? Yes, you could see the beauty queenness in her. At the beginning it looked as if there was going to be some sort of S&M kinda thing going on but that thought went out the window when everything turned green, and she looked as if she had formed from a bunch of lightsabers.
Russia - this one made me crack up the most. First that guy with the one-buttoned shirt, crawling all over the floor in... (ahem) emotion, with all the classic tea-towel hand movements, accompanied by those various expressions of constipation. Mate, give prune juice a go. The violinist was normal enough, but the blonde-bobbed, overly limber skater on the mini-ice-rink, please someone explain the point of that! What's more the first guy HAD to rip his shirt open, puh-lease, just add artificial rain and you got Bollywood.
Romania - quite Il Divo-ish at the start, minus the obnoxious vibrato, the guy was better than most so far. Though the woman ruined it for me. Then it just became funny; when she started stroking his head and him looking away, making up my own twisted story to it was too hard to resist. Like him leaving her for her brother. Or something like what you'd get on a typical day with Jerry Springer. Or Days of Our Lives for that matter
Montenegro - Initially i thought this guy had a monobrow, unfortunately it turned out to be only his fringe, so there's one less thing to make fun of. Here's another one I switched off during, I was getting lost into the greasiness of my meal-substitute.
Not surprised with the top 10. Though I thought the comperes were hil-a-ri-us. Quite so. Especially the dimwits in the green room (not the "groom" room, as quoted by the hostess) with their "ticking heartbeats" of anticipation. Adorable accents ontop of everything else.
Hotties and notties? Romania and Norway weren't too bad, but I'd choose Young Einstein's sister and her giant leprechaun dancing around the washing from Bosnia & Herzegovina. The worst without doubt would be Ireland, considering their standard about a decade ago, and the fact that I didn't understand ANY of it eventhough it was in English. If I could vote, I'd choose the Serbian performance while tallying the votes, it was the only thing with substance and weird pig-looking instruments that nevertheless sounded amazing.
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